As Time Rolls On

What Happens When Life Sets In

Like it or not, eventually every couple slips into a routine. Some people like routines and some don’t. Routines are inherently necessary to get things done. In a home, even before children, there are bills, chores, work schedules, etc. What typically happens is that one person in the relationship really loves routines and the other person abhors them. So, what does this have to do with sex, you ask? Well, let’s take a look.

Roles, Roles

In order to carry out our routines, we need to know what our roles are. We may not really realize it, but we are inundated with social messages about what it means to be a man or a woman throughout our entire life. For the most part, we learn from our parents what it means to be a husband and/or a wife (take a long pause…think back to your role models).

But, perhaps equally influential are the messages we get from society, culture, religion and the media and the impact they have on our expectations and relationships with one another. Call me biased (it’s okay, because I am in this regard), but it seems women really get the raw deal in this department – especially when it comes to sex.  And once you, the man, start to consider what has created the icy, cold woman brushing you off these days, your newfound sympathy may just do wonders.

So, I can’t really speak about your personal, parental role models. All I can ask you to do is think about them and ask yourself what messages they gave you about affection, communication and what the man and woman do in the context of their marriage (or long term relationship).

What I can speak about is how I see the impact of everything else. Let’s start with society. Ok, so you’re probably pretty happy that, for the most part, men rule. I think the last known matriarchal society was the Mohawk tribe. Otherwise, men have been in charge, in power and playing a dominance game with women for thousands of years.

Even though we are in a whole new century, there are still many men out there, waving their penises around saying, “I am the man. I don’t do housework. That’s woman’s work!” Well, this is a different world these days and most families and couples out there are dual income – which means, both people are working. But, for whatever reason, the man has always had permission to relax and unwind when he gets home. While, women tend to feel like there’s a whole new set of job duties once her workday ends.

This may be challenging when it comes to the nature of cultural and religious influences. There are so many cultures and religious beliefs that support the idea that a woman is here to serve her man. I am not here to tell you that your culture is “wrong”. I am only asking you to ask yourself if these kinds of double standards exist and to evaluate how they may be impacting your sex life. After all, this is a different day and age. Is it really fair that women are expected to do the majority of everything.

And, isn’t kind of sad? I mean, I imagine you really do like having the upper hand – but do you really have it? And, do you really want it?  I ask these two questions because I have heard it so many times: She uses sex as a weapon. Well, I wonder if the playing field were a bit more equal in all departments, this need for a woman to get her power where she can would become less important.

I know, I know…. you’re mulling over how knowing this will help you get the sex you want in the relationship. Sorry, sometimes I get a little carried away. Basically, if you don’t want your wife or significant other to resort to withholding sex as a power play, then give up some of your power. What does this look like in real life? Let go of your role.

Still confused? Do the dishes, the laundry, change a diaper…let her sit on the couch every now and then while you “serve” her – blow her away and give her the remote, too. Include her in decision making whenever possible. All of these actions will do two things. One, they will show her how much you appreciate her. And, two, they will give her a break.

If this is totally out of character for you, she might suspect something. So, make sure you tell her that you recognize she needs a break and deserves to relax. If you’re feeling inspired in this mode of altruism, rub her feet! She might also resist due to the guilt she feels not taking care of your needs. Just ignore this. She’ll get over it. Finally, this should be an every once in a while thing – otherwise, you will spoil her and she’ll start expecting it.

It will work, though – and why? Because it kills the killer of sexual activity – resentment. It’s also a really nice thing to do for the woman you love.  Just be patient. Again, if she’s not really used to the royal treatment you begin to bestow upon her, she might need a little time to adjust. But, guess what? Women REMEMBER everything. This is one of those times when this might actually work in your favor.

There’s one final thing I want to say about roles. It has to do with that saying “The old ball and chain”.  Wow. I truly am floored whenever I hear someone use this reference. Hey guys, listen closely – women “lose” their freedom too when they commit to you. Plus, as indicated above, they inherit a lot more crap to do. So, give them a break…will ya?

Sexual Identities

Once again, society, culture and religion come into play. These environmental influences merge together to shape the way that we as men and women feel about our sexuality. Now, I don’t want to over-generalize. I am fully aware that there are exceptions to every rule. But, for the most part, we have been trained in the areas to follow.

First of all, women get a lot of jacked up double messages. We’ve all heard the male credo, “I want a saint in public and a whore in the bedroom”. Many cultures, backed by religious dogma tell a woman she should be virtuous and virginal. Thereby promoting shame about being in the nude and discouraging exploration and experimentation with our sexual feelings and physical experiences. And, because of things like the sexual revolution of the sixties and women’s liberation in the seventies, some women are feeling a bit more free in this area. But, it is important to take into consideration that a few decades worth of influences only puts a small dent in thousands of years of social messages. 

For the most part, the media generally exploits women because, after all…sex sells. The message for us is, “If you do your job right, men will be turned on by you”. What about our own satisfaction? Are we supposed to be perfect, quiet, submissive porn stars? (How many of you are nodding yes to that statement? And what does that say about your ability to connect with women and get what you want?) This doesn’t give us much room to ask for what we want when it comes to sex. Therefore, sex isn’t really all that fun for us sometimes. In fact, in talking with a lot of coupled up women, they feel like it’s a job or a chore. 

In a way, I find it kind of ironic when I compare human beings to animals in nature. Isn’t it the male who does the fancy dance to turn on the female? I know some – okay, many – would argue that the men’s dance of today is money or financial security. I agree that many women want this (especially if you’ll pay for her fake boobs). But, many women still are in the workforce, making their own money and having their own security. The days of this being only a man’s job are pretty much over. If you’re coupled up with one of these women, then you’re gonna have to learn a new dance. Wink.