In the Beginning

Acknowledgements

Obviously I thank my husband, whose unconditional love, support and years of marriage have shaped who I am and what I believe. When I told him about the book, he looked a little surprised, but has given me his total support. Without him, I could not help you!

Who am I, and why should you care?

You already know my name since you're probably a FB friend or something. If not, you can see who I am from this blog profile.  I will tell you right off the bat that I have not done endless amounts of research to back up what I am saying, but I do have some pretty reliable evidence of my own. My husband and I just celebrated 23 years of marriage and I am a Marriage and Family Therapist who has seen a lot of couples. Finally, I have several girlfriends who I hear sex-related feedback from on a daily basis. Instead of boring you with all kinds of background information, I thought it would be best to take the straightforward approach. So, the majority of what you will be reading is my opinion. Plain and simple.

Here Ye! Here Ye!

Calling all husbands…and husbands to be. Do you know why your sex life has gone down the toilet? Or, do you want to prevent your sex life from taking a dump? Do you have any idea why your wife (or future wife) would rather roll over and get some sleep than get some? Well, what I am about to tell you in the pages to follow will be the inside information you are missing. I do have this sinking feeling, however, that when you are through, you might let out an astounding, “Doh!” reminiscent of Homer Simpson. Why? Because these are obvious things, gentlemen. And, quite frankly, I have not really figured out why you all don’t know this already.

Why it’s so good in the beginning

The Newness Factor

Let’s face it. The beginning of any relationship is filled with excitement, anticipation and anxiety. Biologically, our bodies are on full alert to feel and record every sensation. Cognitively, our minds are solely focused on that one individual – the way they look, smell, laugh, smile, talk, etc. In this phase of “love” we are totally and utterly preoccupied. And, isn’t it grand?! Yes, it is. But is it meant to last? No.

It is usually something, that later in retrospect, we miss and long for. We find ourselves thinking…”Why can’t this last forever?” Well, the reality is, our bodies cannot physically withstand being on full alert all the time, forever and ever. In addition, our minds, if left to dwell solely on thoughts of another person, would create havoc in our lives. Bottom line, we need to get things done in life (you know: work, school, eating, sleeping, etc.).  Just imagine, if all human beings upon being coupled, could maintain the intensity that’s experienced during this stage, the world would likely fall to pieces.

With every couple, the newness fades over time – as we slip into the routines of life, the excitement dies down. This is fairly natural when you think about it. Unfortunately, there are countless individuals who are literally addicted to this feeling and convinced that it is the only sign they are “in love” with another person. But hey, it is a pretty powerful feeling.

 So how does this apply to you men out there, in your quest for a revived sex life? Well, it’s just important for you to recognize this is a fleeting feeling that you might find yourself chasing (say through the likes of Internet chatting, or that new coworker). While it’s not entirely possible to recreate newness with your wife or long term love, you can create new experiences for each other.

On A Mission

It is usually in the aforementioned newness phase that you are flooding the object of desire with your attention. You might implore all arenas of communication: phone calls, texts, emails, comments on social networking sites, radio dedications or specially mixed CDs, flowers, billboards, candy-grams, impromptu visits at her bedroom window – you get the idea. And women, as you might know, eat this up like some delicious delicacy.

But, do you know what you’re really doing? I mean, I think I know why you’re so motivated to do this (sex), but do you know the message your actions are conveying to your lover? Well, let’s just say you’re creating an expectation, a baseline of what is considered proof of your love and interest in her. In addition, you are showing her that she’s worthy of attention and you are making her feel special, thought of and desirable. These are very powerful motivators for returned interest. We all know that at some point, this attention winds down (the game’s on, for example), and yet for some crazy reason, you still expect to achieve the same outcome.

What I am here to tell you, is that this mission to get what you want should never end…if you intend to keep getting what you want (sex).  Of course, I say this within reason because the newness feeling will and always does fade. Therefore, you need to have a conscious awareness of its fading and make an effort to continue attending to your wife. Once you have entered into a more routine phase, this attention does not need to be as grandiose as it was in the beginning. But, I am sure you can think of ways to send a message to your woman that makes her feel deserving of attention, desired and thought of. It goes a long way. Trust me.

Rose Colored Shades

Finally, things are so great in the beginning because you are both focusing solely on the positive qualities and dismissing the negatives. Furthermore, each person in the relationship is likely hiding some of their not-so-endearing characteristics – otherwise known as bad habits.

To illustrate exactly what I mean, I am going to use a personal example. I have come to the conclusion that men really actually love farting. But, they instinctively know this is NOT a cool thing to do early in the relationship when you are trying to get laid. Think about it. Would you really let one rip on a first date with a beautiful woman you want to sleep with? I think not.

Coincidentally, when my husband and I first lived together (pre-marriage), I literally never witnessed a fart. Not a one. It wasn’t until after we were husband and wife that I discovered how gassy this man really was! When I asked him about it, he said that before we got married, he would go into another room to pass gas and that now’s he is “so comfortable” with me.  And, sometimes after 20 some odd years of being together I wonder, “How did it go from him leaving the room to fart to thinking it was really funny to make me smell them by wafting the covers?”

Whether it’s flatulence or some other equally unappealing habit you have, the lesson here is being that comfortable will generally NOT lead to a sexual encounter.