A Little Insight Goes a Long Way

We Have Different Brains

Men and women are different in so many ways, but mainly in the brain way. Biologically, our brains work differently.  To be specific, there is a structure in the middle of both hemispheres called the corpus collusom (sp?). The purpose of this brain part is to get one side to communicate with the other. In women, it’s bigger. Women tend to think about a million things, and they are typically all connected.

I will make this short and sweet.  It is almost impossible for us to think about nothing, or to stop thinking about something. These thoughts and preoccupations can get in the way of sex with you and also make you immensely frustrated.

So, just be aware of this. If there’s something major on our minds (like an unresolved disagreement from the week before, the crying child, a pile of work on our desks, how fat we might be feeling), we won’t be as responsive…or into it as you might hope.  I seem to remember my husband being under a misconception in this area. It was like anything could happen during the day – arguing or barely talking, a bad day at work, his favorite team getting creamed – and yet, at the end of the day, he could walk through the magical bedroom doorway and be in the mood for sex. Women are just not like this.

We need a little understanding in this area. We might even need to …….brace yourself….talk about it.  The best move would be to make sure that you take care of all the details first, so there’s really nothing for her to focus on, but her time with you.  The alternative is just to not take it personally if we’re not in the mood because we are too distracted.

Being Forgetful

No, this isn’t about forgetting an anniversary or birthday – although that is definitely a strike against you when you want some. This is more of a reminder to just do what you used to do. I refer to it as being forgetful because I cannot find another explanation for it. Maybe it’s all of the other things that I’ve discussed – the newness is gone, there’s a routine now, she’s seen your poop. But, as I stated early on – if you want the same thing, you must do the same thing you used to do. That sounds confusing, so I will just give you a basic question. You can ask yourself this question when you feel an impulse to grope and act in a way that might, well, get in your way. The question is: would I do this on our first date?

I hope you’re not reading this, thinking, “Great. Now I have to be on my best behavior all the time.”  Because, you don’t. We are all human beings. We all need some downtime or freedom to be silly or whatever. What I am doing is repeating this like a mantra so it will sink in. If you want sex, then behave accordingly.

How It Gets All Screwed Up

So, this section was hard for me to resist, being a counselor and all. I am always amazed when women come to see me, upset about their relationship. And, as they tell their stories, I always hear the same thing, “My husband doesn’t want to come to counseling – he says we don’t need it.”

Really? The woman you love is in a relationship with you and she is telling you she’s not happy (or you are fighting all the time), but you feel that things are great? Wow! Talk about denial.

The truth is that counseling can be an intimidating process.  I can’t speak for every marriage therapist, but part of the process is just to provide a space that you both can really talk about any problems. That’s no so bad, is it? If it is, here are some tips to keep things from getting to a point where she’s making an appointment.

 

Resentment

I already kind of gave this away earlier, perhaps even several times. But, it’s true. Resentment is the killer of all things sexual. Having a true sexual experience means being in tune with your partner and their pleasure – wanting to please them and wanting them to please you. Resentment in a relationship is like a brick wall that prevents this kind of closeness. Your woman is highly unlikely to be motivated to give you any kind of pleasure if she’s pissed or annoyed that you’ve done any of the things I’ve already mention wreck your chances. And, if you do them consistently, watch out. Eventually your sex life will become a power play of her withholding, giving in only to appease you – or get rid of you. Now that’s romantic!

Arguments vs. Discussions

This is one of those things that comes with time, with age and with maturity. We are all individuals who have our own opinions about things. We are not meant to agree 100% of the time. Although, many relationships start out – in that newness phase – with one partner kind of placating the other.  Of course, once life sets in, it tends to become a different story. This usually leaves the one partner very confused. They thought they were right all the time and that was good with them.

Many couples come to therapy because they cannot effectively communicate without arguing. Arguing is generally fueled with some kind of negative emotion that essentially hinders one partner from hearing the other. Arguing tends to be abusive. The dictionary has 10 definitions for argument, but only one of them really fits here. It’s the first one, and it reads: an oral disagreement; verbal opposition; contention; altercation. I often call it verbal judo.

My clinical observation is that during an argument no one is really listening to each other and both people just want to prove their point. It tends to go nowhere. It tends to resolve nothing. Does this sound healthy for a relationship? There is an alternative.  Have a discussion.

Unlike an argument, a discussion only has one definition: an act or instance of discussing; consideration or examination by argument, comment, etc., esp. to explore solutions; informal debate. Wait! Does that really say CONSIDERATION!? Imagine injecting a little bit of care and consideration into hearing what the love of your life is saying. I know, I know – argument is in there, too. But so is …..EXPLORING SOLUTIONS! Wow. I love it.

If you can learn to have a discussion about the problems that may arise due to you being two different individuals with different perspectives and different styles, then you will have set the stage for lots more sex.

Battle of the Wills

This is just a caveat to the previous topic. It’s a suggestion to

·         not hold grudges

·         not sleep on the couch

·         not give each other the silent treatment

·         not waste time

I would encourage you to ask yourself what you are doing this for, if you find yourself doing it – and how is this helping resolve any problems?