And Now for the Good Stuff

What Not to Do

Maybe it will be easier if I just explain what is NOT working in your current repertoire.  I mean, you should already be able to tell it’s not working because you’re not getting any sex lately. But, I find that this is hardly ever a clue. Go figure.  The following things may be challenging for you to avoid. And, you don’t really have to. You can continue doing them, but just know that after reading this book, you will be doing them with the conscious awareness that you are decreasing your chances of getting laid. I can’t put it any plainer than that.

Remember Who We Are

I don’t know if it’s a boredom thing or a comfort thing, or just a natural evolution in a long-term relationship. Whatever it is, when a man eventually puts their partner into a role other than a lover, the after effects will spill into their sex life. Let me explain what I mean.

Following my nuptials, I was subjected to numerous practical jokes that resembled the ways in which I would entertain myself with my younger sibling.  I recall being afraid of taking a shower when my husband wasn’t home because I knew he would try to sneak in and scare me. Pretty soon, it was a common occurrence to be the butt of his jokes – sometimes in front of friends. Yeah, this makes me want you. Keep doing it.

It’s pretty important that you understand the following things are not creating a romantic vibe: pinching, poking, mocking teasing or just “bothering” in general. These things are not foreplay. And, listen, I already know you’re doing them solely because you enjoy the way we react. Sometimes, I think you must enjoy it more than sex.

Therefore, instead of resorting to your spouse or significant other as comic relief, pick on a sibling or good friend. They will likely take the jabs in stride and you don’t really want sex from them.

Now, this other role can sometimes be all too familiar and harder to shake. But, it really, really, really creates a weird dynamic in the relationship. Often, we as partners, will feed into this role. Society supports us doing so. Have you guessed it yet? It’s the role of MOTHER.

This means, don’t put us in a position to scold you like a child. Don’t make us pick up after you. Don’t make us the buzz killer of all fun ideas (men can be practical, too!). And, most importantly, don’t call us in the bathroom to look at your bowel movements. It’s bad enough that many of us deal with skid-marked underwear and still manage to get turned on by you.

I feel like I am being too harsh. Am I? Well, my intent is just to provide you with information that will improve your sex life. I am sure many of you could write a novel on what women could do to be more attractive (don’t nag, shave your legs, etc) – but, alas, this is a book for YOU.  So, let’s carry on.

Some other possible roles you may find yourself putting your significant other in might be that of nursemaid or slave. The only times these are fun and/or the least bit sexual, is when costumes are involved.  I do realize, however, that we all get sick and it’s expected that we have a partner who will take care of us. I am just bringing it back to the idea that extended periods of being a caretaker or nurse…or waiting on you hand and foot breeds resentment, which kills sexual feelings. 

Groping -  NOT seductive

Can someone please explain to me why men do this? Is it an impulse control problem? Is it a momentary return to adolescence? It would be great if there was a reason, but I am afraid that it might come down to sheer entertainment and a desire to grab a boob or smack an ass. Scary.

I have heard from countless married or coupled up girlfriends who swear that this is the way their man lets them know he’s in the mood.  And, usually said groping is done at a very inconvenient time – like while she’s doing the dishes or folding laundry.  The funny this is, when confronted – you guys will generally say something like, “What? I’m just messing with you – I’m not trying to have sex”. Yet still, there are others who actually believe this will turn us on. Again, scary.

Word to the wise – groping is never “fun” for us. Think about it. What sounds more erotic of the following two scenarios:

A:        Man sees woman in kitchen. Man walks up behind woman and places both hands on her breasts, simultaneously shouting, “HONK! HONK!”, as he gives them a tight squeeze.

or

B:        Man sees woman in kitchen. Man walks up behind woman and presses up against her. Man whispers in her ear that he wants to touch her. Man wipes hair away from woman’s neck and kisses it. Man says, “forget about these,” and spins her around to kiss her.

Obviously, B. But, how many of you guys are doing B? And, how often are you doing A? It’s not that it’s difficult to do B is it? Because, I can’t imagine that’s the case. Instead, it’s a matter of thinking about her and not you. Or, to put another way, think less about your entertainment or “being funny” and more about what you really want….sex. It’s something that seems to disappear with long term relationships. But, it doesn’t have to. Let me break it down with a sports analogy: you make the call.