The Rest

Now Back to Sex

I realize I deviated slightly from the main topic. But, let’s be realistic for a moment. Long term relationships require intimacy for a healthy sex life. So, I thought I would spend a moment or two on communication and problem solving. Maybe it was valuable, maybe not. I’m taking my chances on that one. Now, I shall return to the main focus.

How to Have Sex as Often as You Really Want It

Actions speak louder than words – don’t you think? And, now after reading this book, you have become consciously aware of how powerful your actions really are. Hopefully, now you have a better idea of what to do, and what to avoid doing when you’re really wanting some action. The best possible advice I could give you is to keep her in mind.

It’s All About the Build-Up

The follow through helps, too. But, for the most part, it’s a good idea to build sexual excitement early. If you both get ready together, tell her how nice she looks – remind her how sexy she is.  Contact her throughout the day to let her know she’s on your mind, and how you’re looking forward to holding her at the end of the day.  You should be able to remember what turns her on – whether it’s romance or naughty suggestions. Just start early and follow through. Experiment with it.

Be Interested

This should be a gimme, but I realize that it’s not. Mainly because this goes back to social training. Women are socially trained to be much more about you men, than vice versa. Remember, society and culture have been perpetuating this whole “take care of your man” thing for quite some time. And, this often entails caring about your sports teams, your career, your aches and pains. Often, we are left hanging. This is, however, why we usually spend a lot of time talking with our girlfriends.

Anyway, my point is that it doesn’t hurt to get to know what’s important to the person you want to have sex with. It won’t kill you to watch a show she’s really into (that you secretly think is stupid – by the way, try to avoid telling her how stupid you think it is). If you have kids, and she’s home with them all day, find out what you missed. These are small little ways you can let her know that she is interesting. It cannot do anything else but bring you closer. And, the closer you are, the more likely you are to get lucky.

 

This Too Shall Pass

So I am not going to lie. There will be times, when despite your best efforts, she’s not going to be in the mood. There is such a thing as bad timing.

It could also be due to things like her period, her energy level, the way she feels about herself, being sick, etc. The important thing to remember is that if you have taken my advice, then you can rest assured it’s not about you. Something is going on with her. Therefore, the best thing you can do is to be understanding and not take it personally.  Avoid your natural urge to assume it’s a rejection of you or some kind of insult to you. If you can even get to this point, you will score immensely if you ask her what she needs. Maybe it’s space. Maybe it’s a backrub (without expectations for reciprocation). Maybe it’s being held.

If you do these things without expecting sex in return, you will have done something amazing and unexpected. The best thing about it is that (again) we remember everything. And, when we are feeling more ourselves, we will be motivated to return the favor.

In Closing

So there you have it. Sort of like gold, isn’t it? Sure, I imagine some of it wasn’t very easy to hear – but awareness is the first step towards actively getting what you want in life.

A Little Insight Goes a Long Way

We Have Different Brains

Men and women are different in so many ways, but mainly in the brain way. Biologically, our brains work differently.  To be specific, there is a structure in the middle of both hemispheres called the corpus collusom (sp?). The purpose of this brain part is to get one side to communicate with the other. In women, it’s bigger. Women tend to think about a million things, and they are typically all connected.

I will make this short and sweet.  It is almost impossible for us to think about nothing, or to stop thinking about something. These thoughts and preoccupations can get in the way of sex with you and also make you immensely frustrated.

So, just be aware of this. If there’s something major on our minds (like an unresolved disagreement from the week before, the crying child, a pile of work on our desks, how fat we might be feeling), we won’t be as responsive…or into it as you might hope.  I seem to remember my husband being under a misconception in this area. It was like anything could happen during the day – arguing or barely talking, a bad day at work, his favorite team getting creamed – and yet, at the end of the day, he could walk through the magical bedroom doorway and be in the mood for sex. Women are just not like this.

We need a little understanding in this area. We might even need to …….brace yourself….talk about it.  The best move would be to make sure that you take care of all the details first, so there’s really nothing for her to focus on, but her time with you.  The alternative is just to not take it personally if we’re not in the mood because we are too distracted.

Being Forgetful

No, this isn’t about forgetting an anniversary or birthday – although that is definitely a strike against you when you want some. This is more of a reminder to just do what you used to do. I refer to it as being forgetful because I cannot find another explanation for it. Maybe it’s all of the other things that I’ve discussed – the newness is gone, there’s a routine now, she’s seen your poop. But, as I stated early on – if you want the same thing, you must do the same thing you used to do. That sounds confusing, so I will just give you a basic question. You can ask yourself this question when you feel an impulse to grope and act in a way that might, well, get in your way. The question is: would I do this on our first date?

I hope you’re not reading this, thinking, “Great. Now I have to be on my best behavior all the time.”  Because, you don’t. We are all human beings. We all need some downtime or freedom to be silly or whatever. What I am doing is repeating this like a mantra so it will sink in. If you want sex, then behave accordingly.

How It Gets All Screwed Up

So, this section was hard for me to resist, being a counselor and all. I am always amazed when women come to see me, upset about their relationship. And, as they tell their stories, I always hear the same thing, “My husband doesn’t want to come to counseling – he says we don’t need it.”

Really? The woman you love is in a relationship with you and she is telling you she’s not happy (or you are fighting all the time), but you feel that things are great? Wow! Talk about denial.

The truth is that counseling can be an intimidating process.  I can’t speak for every marriage therapist, but part of the process is just to provide a space that you both can really talk about any problems. That’s no so bad, is it? If it is, here are some tips to keep things from getting to a point where she’s making an appointment.

 

Resentment

I already kind of gave this away earlier, perhaps even several times. But, it’s true. Resentment is the killer of all things sexual. Having a true sexual experience means being in tune with your partner and their pleasure – wanting to please them and wanting them to please you. Resentment in a relationship is like a brick wall that prevents this kind of closeness. Your woman is highly unlikely to be motivated to give you any kind of pleasure if she’s pissed or annoyed that you’ve done any of the things I’ve already mention wreck your chances. And, if you do them consistently, watch out. Eventually your sex life will become a power play of her withholding, giving in only to appease you – or get rid of you. Now that’s romantic!

Arguments vs. Discussions

This is one of those things that comes with time, with age and with maturity. We are all individuals who have our own opinions about things. We are not meant to agree 100% of the time. Although, many relationships start out – in that newness phase – with one partner kind of placating the other.  Of course, once life sets in, it tends to become a different story. This usually leaves the one partner very confused. They thought they were right all the time and that was good with them.

Many couples come to therapy because they cannot effectively communicate without arguing. Arguing is generally fueled with some kind of negative emotion that essentially hinders one partner from hearing the other. Arguing tends to be abusive. The dictionary has 10 definitions for argument, but only one of them really fits here. It’s the first one, and it reads: an oral disagreement; verbal opposition; contention; altercation. I often call it verbal judo.

My clinical observation is that during an argument no one is really listening to each other and both people just want to prove their point. It tends to go nowhere. It tends to resolve nothing. Does this sound healthy for a relationship? There is an alternative.  Have a discussion.

Unlike an argument, a discussion only has one definition: an act or instance of discussing; consideration or examination by argument, comment, etc., esp. to explore solutions; informal debate. Wait! Does that really say CONSIDERATION!? Imagine injecting a little bit of care and consideration into hearing what the love of your life is saying. I know, I know – argument is in there, too. But so is …..EXPLORING SOLUTIONS! Wow. I love it.

If you can learn to have a discussion about the problems that may arise due to you being two different individuals with different perspectives and different styles, then you will have set the stage for lots more sex.

Battle of the Wills

This is just a caveat to the previous topic. It’s a suggestion to

·         not hold grudges

·         not sleep on the couch

·         not give each other the silent treatment

·         not waste time

I would encourage you to ask yourself what you are doing this for, if you find yourself doing it – and how is this helping resolve any problems?

And Now for the Good Stuff

What Not to Do

Maybe it will be easier if I just explain what is NOT working in your current repertoire.  I mean, you should already be able to tell it’s not working because you’re not getting any sex lately. But, I find that this is hardly ever a clue. Go figure.  The following things may be challenging for you to avoid. And, you don’t really have to. You can continue doing them, but just know that after reading this book, you will be doing them with the conscious awareness that you are decreasing your chances of getting laid. I can’t put it any plainer than that.

Remember Who We Are

I don’t know if it’s a boredom thing or a comfort thing, or just a natural evolution in a long-term relationship. Whatever it is, when a man eventually puts their partner into a role other than a lover, the after effects will spill into their sex life. Let me explain what I mean.

Following my nuptials, I was subjected to numerous practical jokes that resembled the ways in which I would entertain myself with my younger sibling.  I recall being afraid of taking a shower when my husband wasn’t home because I knew he would try to sneak in and scare me. Pretty soon, it was a common occurrence to be the butt of his jokes – sometimes in front of friends. Yeah, this makes me want you. Keep doing it.

It’s pretty important that you understand the following things are not creating a romantic vibe: pinching, poking, mocking teasing or just “bothering” in general. These things are not foreplay. And, listen, I already know you’re doing them solely because you enjoy the way we react. Sometimes, I think you must enjoy it more than sex.

Therefore, instead of resorting to your spouse or significant other as comic relief, pick on a sibling or good friend. They will likely take the jabs in stride and you don’t really want sex from them.

Now, this other role can sometimes be all too familiar and harder to shake. But, it really, really, really creates a weird dynamic in the relationship. Often, we as partners, will feed into this role. Society supports us doing so. Have you guessed it yet? It’s the role of MOTHER.

This means, don’t put us in a position to scold you like a child. Don’t make us pick up after you. Don’t make us the buzz killer of all fun ideas (men can be practical, too!). And, most importantly, don’t call us in the bathroom to look at your bowel movements. It’s bad enough that many of us deal with skid-marked underwear and still manage to get turned on by you.

I feel like I am being too harsh. Am I? Well, my intent is just to provide you with information that will improve your sex life. I am sure many of you could write a novel on what women could do to be more attractive (don’t nag, shave your legs, etc) – but, alas, this is a book for YOU.  So, let’s carry on.

Some other possible roles you may find yourself putting your significant other in might be that of nursemaid or slave. The only times these are fun and/or the least bit sexual, is when costumes are involved.  I do realize, however, that we all get sick and it’s expected that we have a partner who will take care of us. I am just bringing it back to the idea that extended periods of being a caretaker or nurse…or waiting on you hand and foot breeds resentment, which kills sexual feelings. 

Groping -  NOT seductive

Can someone please explain to me why men do this? Is it an impulse control problem? Is it a momentary return to adolescence? It would be great if there was a reason, but I am afraid that it might come down to sheer entertainment and a desire to grab a boob or smack an ass. Scary.

I have heard from countless married or coupled up girlfriends who swear that this is the way their man lets them know he’s in the mood.  And, usually said groping is done at a very inconvenient time – like while she’s doing the dishes or folding laundry.  The funny this is, when confronted – you guys will generally say something like, “What? I’m just messing with you – I’m not trying to have sex”. Yet still, there are others who actually believe this will turn us on. Again, scary.

Word to the wise – groping is never “fun” for us. Think about it. What sounds more erotic of the following two scenarios:

A:        Man sees woman in kitchen. Man walks up behind woman and places both hands on her breasts, simultaneously shouting, “HONK! HONK!”, as he gives them a tight squeeze.

or

B:        Man sees woman in kitchen. Man walks up behind woman and presses up against her. Man whispers in her ear that he wants to touch her. Man wipes hair away from woman’s neck and kisses it. Man says, “forget about these,” and spins her around to kiss her.

Obviously, B. But, how many of you guys are doing B? And, how often are you doing A? It’s not that it’s difficult to do B is it? Because, I can’t imagine that’s the case. Instead, it’s a matter of thinking about her and not you. Or, to put another way, think less about your entertainment or “being funny” and more about what you really want….sex. It’s something that seems to disappear with long term relationships. But, it doesn’t have to. Let me break it down with a sports analogy: you make the call.

As Time Rolls On

What Happens When Life Sets In

Like it or not, eventually every couple slips into a routine. Some people like routines and some don’t. Routines are inherently necessary to get things done. In a home, even before children, there are bills, chores, work schedules, etc. What typically happens is that one person in the relationship really loves routines and the other person abhors them. So, what does this have to do with sex, you ask? Well, let’s take a look.

Roles, Roles

In order to carry out our routines, we need to know what our roles are. We may not really realize it, but we are inundated with social messages about what it means to be a man or a woman throughout our entire life. For the most part, we learn from our parents what it means to be a husband and/or a wife (take a long pause…think back to your role models).

But, perhaps equally influential are the messages we get from society, culture, religion and the media and the impact they have on our expectations and relationships with one another. Call me biased (it’s okay, because I am in this regard), but it seems women really get the raw deal in this department – especially when it comes to sex.  And once you, the man, start to consider what has created the icy, cold woman brushing you off these days, your newfound sympathy may just do wonders.

So, I can’t really speak about your personal, parental role models. All I can ask you to do is think about them and ask yourself what messages they gave you about affection, communication and what the man and woman do in the context of their marriage (or long term relationship).

What I can speak about is how I see the impact of everything else. Let’s start with society. Ok, so you’re probably pretty happy that, for the most part, men rule. I think the last known matriarchal society was the Mohawk tribe. Otherwise, men have been in charge, in power and playing a dominance game with women for thousands of years.

Even though we are in a whole new century, there are still many men out there, waving their penises around saying, “I am the man. I don’t do housework. That’s woman’s work!” Well, this is a different world these days and most families and couples out there are dual income – which means, both people are working. But, for whatever reason, the man has always had permission to relax and unwind when he gets home. While, women tend to feel like there’s a whole new set of job duties once her workday ends.

This may be challenging when it comes to the nature of cultural and religious influences. There are so many cultures and religious beliefs that support the idea that a woman is here to serve her man. I am not here to tell you that your culture is “wrong”. I am only asking you to ask yourself if these kinds of double standards exist and to evaluate how they may be impacting your sex life. After all, this is a different day and age. Is it really fair that women are expected to do the majority of everything.

And, isn’t kind of sad? I mean, I imagine you really do like having the upper hand – but do you really have it? And, do you really want it?  I ask these two questions because I have heard it so many times: She uses sex as a weapon. Well, I wonder if the playing field were a bit more equal in all departments, this need for a woman to get her power where she can would become less important.

I know, I know…. you’re mulling over how knowing this will help you get the sex you want in the relationship. Sorry, sometimes I get a little carried away. Basically, if you don’t want your wife or significant other to resort to withholding sex as a power play, then give up some of your power. What does this look like in real life? Let go of your role.

Still confused? Do the dishes, the laundry, change a diaper…let her sit on the couch every now and then while you “serve” her – blow her away and give her the remote, too. Include her in decision making whenever possible. All of these actions will do two things. One, they will show her how much you appreciate her. And, two, they will give her a break.

If this is totally out of character for you, she might suspect something. So, make sure you tell her that you recognize she needs a break and deserves to relax. If you’re feeling inspired in this mode of altruism, rub her feet! She might also resist due to the guilt she feels not taking care of your needs. Just ignore this. She’ll get over it. Finally, this should be an every once in a while thing – otherwise, you will spoil her and she’ll start expecting it.

It will work, though – and why? Because it kills the killer of sexual activity – resentment. It’s also a really nice thing to do for the woman you love.  Just be patient. Again, if she’s not really used to the royal treatment you begin to bestow upon her, she might need a little time to adjust. But, guess what? Women REMEMBER everything. This is one of those times when this might actually work in your favor.

There’s one final thing I want to say about roles. It has to do with that saying “The old ball and chain”.  Wow. I truly am floored whenever I hear someone use this reference. Hey guys, listen closely – women “lose” their freedom too when they commit to you. Plus, as indicated above, they inherit a lot more crap to do. So, give them a break…will ya?

Sexual Identities

Once again, society, culture and religion come into play. These environmental influences merge together to shape the way that we as men and women feel about our sexuality. Now, I don’t want to over-generalize. I am fully aware that there are exceptions to every rule. But, for the most part, we have been trained in the areas to follow.

First of all, women get a lot of jacked up double messages. We’ve all heard the male credo, “I want a saint in public and a whore in the bedroom”. Many cultures, backed by religious dogma tell a woman she should be virtuous and virginal. Thereby promoting shame about being in the nude and discouraging exploration and experimentation with our sexual feelings and physical experiences. And, because of things like the sexual revolution of the sixties and women’s liberation in the seventies, some women are feeling a bit more free in this area. But, it is important to take into consideration that a few decades worth of influences only puts a small dent in thousands of years of social messages. 

For the most part, the media generally exploits women because, after all…sex sells. The message for us is, “If you do your job right, men will be turned on by you”. What about our own satisfaction? Are we supposed to be perfect, quiet, submissive porn stars? (How many of you are nodding yes to that statement? And what does that say about your ability to connect with women and get what you want?) This doesn’t give us much room to ask for what we want when it comes to sex. Therefore, sex isn’t really all that fun for us sometimes. In fact, in talking with a lot of coupled up women, they feel like it’s a job or a chore. 

In a way, I find it kind of ironic when I compare human beings to animals in nature. Isn’t it the male who does the fancy dance to turn on the female? I know some – okay, many – would argue that the men’s dance of today is money or financial security. I agree that many women want this (especially if you’ll pay for her fake boobs). But, many women still are in the workforce, making their own money and having their own security. The days of this being only a man’s job are pretty much over. If you’re coupled up with one of these women, then you’re gonna have to learn a new dance. Wink. 

In the Beginning

Acknowledgements

Obviously I thank my husband, whose unconditional love, support and years of marriage have shaped who I am and what I believe. When I told him about the book, he looked a little surprised, but has given me his total support. Without him, I could not help you!

Who am I, and why should you care?

You already know my name since you're probably a FB friend or something. If not, you can see who I am from this blog profile.  I will tell you right off the bat that I have not done endless amounts of research to back up what I am saying, but I do have some pretty reliable evidence of my own. My husband and I just celebrated 23 years of marriage and I am a Marriage and Family Therapist who has seen a lot of couples. Finally, I have several girlfriends who I hear sex-related feedback from on a daily basis. Instead of boring you with all kinds of background information, I thought it would be best to take the straightforward approach. So, the majority of what you will be reading is my opinion. Plain and simple.

Here Ye! Here Ye!

Calling all husbands…and husbands to be. Do you know why your sex life has gone down the toilet? Or, do you want to prevent your sex life from taking a dump? Do you have any idea why your wife (or future wife) would rather roll over and get some sleep than get some? Well, what I am about to tell you in the pages to follow will be the inside information you are missing. I do have this sinking feeling, however, that when you are through, you might let out an astounding, “Doh!” reminiscent of Homer Simpson. Why? Because these are obvious things, gentlemen. And, quite frankly, I have not really figured out why you all don’t know this already.

Why it’s so good in the beginning

The Newness Factor

Let’s face it. The beginning of any relationship is filled with excitement, anticipation and anxiety. Biologically, our bodies are on full alert to feel and record every sensation. Cognitively, our minds are solely focused on that one individual – the way they look, smell, laugh, smile, talk, etc. In this phase of “love” we are totally and utterly preoccupied. And, isn’t it grand?! Yes, it is. But is it meant to last? No.

It is usually something, that later in retrospect, we miss and long for. We find ourselves thinking…”Why can’t this last forever?” Well, the reality is, our bodies cannot physically withstand being on full alert all the time, forever and ever. In addition, our minds, if left to dwell solely on thoughts of another person, would create havoc in our lives. Bottom line, we need to get things done in life (you know: work, school, eating, sleeping, etc.).  Just imagine, if all human beings upon being coupled, could maintain the intensity that’s experienced during this stage, the world would likely fall to pieces.

With every couple, the newness fades over time – as we slip into the routines of life, the excitement dies down. This is fairly natural when you think about it. Unfortunately, there are countless individuals who are literally addicted to this feeling and convinced that it is the only sign they are “in love” with another person. But hey, it is a pretty powerful feeling.

 So how does this apply to you men out there, in your quest for a revived sex life? Well, it’s just important for you to recognize this is a fleeting feeling that you might find yourself chasing (say through the likes of Internet chatting, or that new coworker). While it’s not entirely possible to recreate newness with your wife or long term love, you can create new experiences for each other.

On A Mission

It is usually in the aforementioned newness phase that you are flooding the object of desire with your attention. You might implore all arenas of communication: phone calls, texts, emails, comments on social networking sites, radio dedications or specially mixed CDs, flowers, billboards, candy-grams, impromptu visits at her bedroom window – you get the idea. And women, as you might know, eat this up like some delicious delicacy.

But, do you know what you’re really doing? I mean, I think I know why you’re so motivated to do this (sex), but do you know the message your actions are conveying to your lover? Well, let’s just say you’re creating an expectation, a baseline of what is considered proof of your love and interest in her. In addition, you are showing her that she’s worthy of attention and you are making her feel special, thought of and desirable. These are very powerful motivators for returned interest. We all know that at some point, this attention winds down (the game’s on, for example), and yet for some crazy reason, you still expect to achieve the same outcome.

What I am here to tell you, is that this mission to get what you want should never end…if you intend to keep getting what you want (sex).  Of course, I say this within reason because the newness feeling will and always does fade. Therefore, you need to have a conscious awareness of its fading and make an effort to continue attending to your wife. Once you have entered into a more routine phase, this attention does not need to be as grandiose as it was in the beginning. But, I am sure you can think of ways to send a message to your woman that makes her feel deserving of attention, desired and thought of. It goes a long way. Trust me.

Rose Colored Shades

Finally, things are so great in the beginning because you are both focusing solely on the positive qualities and dismissing the negatives. Furthermore, each person in the relationship is likely hiding some of their not-so-endearing characteristics – otherwise known as bad habits.

To illustrate exactly what I mean, I am going to use a personal example. I have come to the conclusion that men really actually love farting. But, they instinctively know this is NOT a cool thing to do early in the relationship when you are trying to get laid. Think about it. Would you really let one rip on a first date with a beautiful woman you want to sleep with? I think not.

Coincidentally, when my husband and I first lived together (pre-marriage), I literally never witnessed a fart. Not a one. It wasn’t until after we were husband and wife that I discovered how gassy this man really was! When I asked him about it, he said that before we got married, he would go into another room to pass gas and that now’s he is “so comfortable” with me.  And, sometimes after 20 some odd years of being together I wonder, “How did it go from him leaving the room to fart to thinking it was really funny to make me smell them by wafting the covers?”

Whether it’s flatulence or some other equally unappealing habit you have, the lesson here is being that comfortable will generally NOT lead to a sexual encounter.